When a tree grows….its root holds the complete existence. Its very important that it is grounded to the ground. How beautiful world “ grounded”. Today let me ask this to myself. Am I grounded?
For some particular reasons, my upbringing didn’t happen in a normal family circumstances. We were a happy family indeed. But in our own isolated style. Grew up alone…with no friends in locality…..and lot of love from the family. My exposure to the world were brother and father…and the strength was my mother.
Anyway, as of now I don’t wana get dragged away by that hurting lonely emotion of childhood but wana focus on where I am and why I am here.
The place is jungadh- the city where my mother took birth and the habitat where she grw up…till she was 23. then she got married to my father. Another lifetime.
Where I am?
The place is the same house where she spent her 23 years of her life. The same room…the same walls…the same flooring. Only thing different is that house is pretty old now…..with its ceiling falling apart…and withered away with time.that happened due to one of the accident that my grandma met. In her last years, my youngest mama gave her company and took care of her. They were alone..but perhaps no. they were guided and accompanied my many holy spirits. Being a bachelor, he roamed around in jungle, with crazy spirited persons – monks. He did his sahdna for years and as the result he could give that power of sight to my grandma when she was loosing it all after the accident.
So I am here now in the same very spot. Ma is here to finish certain legal formalities of a property problem lingering over since few decades now. As we say in gujarati – kaam ne anjaam aapva ni waat chhe. Fight to finish. So this work kind of resulted into reunion of all her sisters and akins…and thus I too joined in the party. Living in the same hosue and munching over past moments of their childhood….its been ages … decades…and life was different then. The meaning of joy was different then – it was more simple – more easy to attain. I have become silent observer of their chemistry – their peace – their maturity – their royalty. At times I trigger their memories by asking them certain open ended questions. I don’t know exactly what ? but may be I am trying to seek some peace..some miraculous moment that may get me grounded again. As the fact remains, as of now I am lost. – need an anchor – spiritual, mental, physical – hell yes..for the whole existence.
So now we all are here in this huge beautiful house… and I am tryin to take photos of the house, the street, the cows ( mostly red) the traffic, the little heres n theres…..
Did trekking today. Want to keep my headstreaight and look ahead with the focus on the present foot. Wana stop cribbing bout my past – good or bad whatsoever. But yes I need strength…..right now I am looking around….tryin to get it through trek or therough nature..or through olderly talks ofmy akins…but may be I need to look within. Yes I do.
While doing the trek I could realize that there is less of this fear in me. For forest fo jungle….i find it familiar….or ay be its just the adrenaline rush. While imagning I also considered the thought of dieing becoming that morsel for lion or tiger. I wonder how much they would be able to digest me. I was hoping for an encounter with lion or leapord…. Praying for one….was being optimistic. Well I can say…it almost happened.
We were sitting on the bank of a dried river above the jata shankar which was our target point. Later we wanted to go to vaman gufa but mama didn’t like the thought of filling the bellies n making the climb difficult. So we chucked the idea and sat there munching some snacks. There was a little female monkey waiting in front of us…was getting little agitated but basically she was hungry. We offered her food n she ate… and later we offered her the whole left over snack there and got from there and started climbing down. Well, my mama was last and I was second last…right then I saw him staring at the back side. He was still……n he just said …something might be around. Yes. The air was still and a particular bird was bhurruping….and that monkey was looking in same direction with such a stillness..such an alertness that she didn’t even come down to get the food even after we moved from there. And that’s when mama explained. That birds do little signaling when some being is around. When I asked him to be particular..he said mostly its leapord or fox…..
Well….the excfitement ends there. We moved from there. Yeah did manage a single pan shot of that particular place with that stillness in air and alertness in sound of that bird.
While climbing down I was trying to imagine th place in rains. Must be heaven..but so muchc to trek..so much to see….the hwole girnar..the whole himalaya..the whole India..the whole world. How many lifetimes I would require for it?
And then I just whispered. Instead of all this one can look within..do that bhraman that raman within.
I was happy. Let me honest again…….i was sad. This happens whenever I am writing..am so bloody honest…….that even if a wrong or say loosely related word gets coined I have this little detector in mind which starts beeping. Anyway… so I was not sad..i ws in to that moment with the wish..the little hope that yes I wil float across. I want to. I want to fly over. Yes I am now ready for a flight…..the countdown has begun..and it’s the time when I fold all my emotions and give it a proper farewell with all the kind of dignity it deserves. And put an end to it. Yeah I don’t wana lament on the deeds of my boyfriend or of many guys who have come and gone with reason fair or foul. I cant and I don’t want to hold on for long. As when I was a kid, I used to tell this to my friend with a strange and simple understanding. – when someone does something wrong to you- they already have – but by thinking over it again and again ( “how could they do this??”) you are doing more and unjustifiable wrong to your own self. To get in detail of how it works, you cant control others action but you certainly can do that over your own actions. And if this thing is understood grasped and applied well – yes it becomes a value. As someone put it rightly befor few days. The values take you across…and the emotions leads to downfall. May be I am sounding brutal with the word emotion – but ask me how much brutal and harsh and killer is this emotion. I am recovering recently. And now wana come out of thie recurring sickness.
So here I am in the city of junagadh. Been two days. And right now in the evening I am planning to go to some place and just sit there. Just see. Just be. Just peace with myself. With my surrounding and my stimuli. With my core and the core of the universe.
I don’t know how much functional or objectional are these encounters with my mama…I don’t know if reallyu possess the power to hear people ‘s thoughts..but whatever it is. I am game. Because here I m the player…and the nature the whle lif is the field. I am not here to compromise to gamble my emotion with someone’s so called truthful seeming words. I am not dependent on that love that comes from someone. As someone again rightly put. That I should not be at the receiving end of the love. And if there is no growth of the beloved or the lover there is no love. Its an illusion. So let me peace out. Let me be fine……….and tune in to the madness of this world..of this jungle at girnar. This simplicity of nature and get amazed at the craftedness of every little detail. It’s the fuel that I need right now.. it’s the need of the soul..its the requirement of the hour. Well, I do have my doubts…but I am stil ready to take this adventure. Its going to offer me with some surprise and they want be humane..they want be of fake promises to be together and be happy. There wont be questions on my style of living or exclamations or analysis on my lifestyle/thoughts. I can simply be myself while being a wanderor. Yes that what I am..a reckless wanderor and wana become an emotionless????? No…I don’t wana kill my emotions but I wana make it more lighter……more lovable for all beings alike….all friends and foes alike. Finally who is a friend and who is a foe..all of us are just fellow human beings making our own personal spiritual journey on planet earth.
Those who read this article and those who put effort to survive it till here….i just wana say. This is completely personall blogging…and I don’t care bout those who wana criticize or praise…its just the story of a passing by moment…..its just the time frozen in few words. The life wil flow on……. The wheel keeps revolving on. What we are witnessing is just the change..not the end or the start. It’s a vicious circle.
