The home awaits

a step here and the sound there
walk; i call upon my warrior,
wounded n healed n wounded again
thats the life you have chosen..

far beyond few miles is the lake,
quench your thirst and take some rest.
walk ahead and find your shelter
my warrior you will find my love soon.

in curtains i am far from ur sight
my presence unknown questioned n doubted by you
just few miles and one we shall be
right now all i wish and pray is for your well being

put ur being at rest and march ahead
the lifetime of wars and battles is over
walk to ur home and hug your children
they have been long awaiting their father

the women of your love has been waiting too
she has been measuring the sun on the road
day and night the time had its toils
the love of your life is standing so tall

the morsel of peace i want to offer you
together with your family and kins
a sweet supper and the restful sleep
the gaze at stars and loved ones in arms

warriors and kings run together
warriors on battleground and kings on powerplay
the farmers on land and dreamers on sky
all just run but where to find this aleph?

take rest. sleep well. find yourself. be one.
although u doubt me and my presence still
i am the one with you right now
in the moment of peace and chaos as it is.

the freshness of wind and the shadow of mountains
the air so serene the feeling of completeness
i want to paint the world so perfect
i want to give you peace

you remind me the wars i had of my own
in my mind with my being
i want to give you love and heal my ownself
all of us seek such a provider, dont we?

all seek love and warmth and feeling being safe
few to provide rare to care
i want to be the one to love n be thr
for that i need to still walk a few miles more

just a few miles more...

just a few steps still ahead

the home is calling.....

the home is waiting...........

YES

Life waited and missed me and nw I am running towards it and…….realised I m not running towards
it..but together we are running in the world.

Just plunge in life

I wil do everything that I want to do

I will sing lloudly

I will take care of my body and be perfect. Be fit

I wil be loving and caring

I wil make me self esteem stronger and strongest

Compassion and viveak buddhi will be my mates all the time whrever I go

I wil give address….will create all the realities from my dreams. Dream of travel of infecting the world
with love ….. of swimming in some natural pond….of flying in sky doing paragliding and jumping off the
plane..evrything I will do.

Yessssssssssssssssssssssss I am living

So lets look at the tasks to be done. Hmmm congratualations…. Ur netbook is done…sort……and so is ur
camera. Ur hard disk from which the data is out..is lying at ahmedabad..storing many music and films. So
right now focus on systemmmmmmmmmmmmm

Haassshh feels good…all the back up to be taken is in system…finally…not lying in different places…so
I wil go on sorting…….ummm something to learn from maulik..delete 9 photos out of 10…..and keep
one..right now I can do till 4 -5 out of 10. Have started deletingthe blurred ones n all..earlier I used to
make a separate folder for hazy ones…blurr ones…always thought to make a story out of it…..it has been
with me since old days when I used to use role camera…..yes reminds me…..got to collect my lens from
Hyderabad…hmmmmmmm wil do wil do…..

So….. the system wil get cleaning now. Focus is there. And yeahhh something passed my mind
while I was sleeping……I am sittign at home….why not take back up of all contacts…back up in hard
copy…ahh yeah yeah..m still old school types can say…but ideas like..what if whole internet in the world
collapse…or for that matter..what if electricity vanishes…..ahhh yeahhh some other form would take its
place..still for now I m keeping hard copies too. This takes me back to the old rags of torned out pages
where I scribbled poems…… so let me create a file. A neat pile up…compilation of peoms… and then we
will think about those rags……… I am still on bed rest for 15 days for sure……. And the ngradually doc wil
get me into gradual process of harder stretches and bending downs and all. Whatever done is done……. I
have to move forward. People loosing their limbs or even after getting completely paralysed…do thighns
which are impossible seeming at first sight. Like the person from man v/s wild……. So…back is not such
an issue….. it is getting better. There is no pain. I am strong. My family is supporting me. My boyfriend
is loving and caring and accommodative…so whts the cry about??? Yeah I know…….its my own inner cry
from ignorant self…..thik hai…….no issues…..it cried..playued its part….and now there is gona be another
cry……………………..yuhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu of joy………………..cry of pain is taking a back seat
and better it leaves the session as now there is gona b yelling n shoutings n big screams..of pure joy and
excitement……….i am filling my life with all that is good……..samar said there is not hing that is evil……..i
say…evil is just the shadow of the good……..the thing that don’t exist…but that is in darkness….ahhh
whatever……putting philosophy aside…………………………….m gona rock on now…

So……lets go through the 100 thing list which I created with falguni….whn m keying it all in
…..somewhere ……………..i hv this secret thought tht may b I m gona send this to her……………….so
in case u r reading it………….or for that matter..anyone who is reading this…………………..trust me its
coming very instinctively….. n I want everyone who reads it to just gooooooooooooooo n plunge
in…………………………………….. life cant wait further for u……………………..it misses u………………………….it loves
u…………………n now u just gotta go n hug it……………just get up………….do what u want to do……………….u
wana travel…………..u wana work out on ur body??????????? U wana help ur parents………………. U
wana…………..do so many things….u know it all in ur head to reach on that 100th floor of the building
where lies the first step……………..take that step…………..plunge in…………………

For me………………….. riding……………………..!! hmmmm may be I didn’t ever let the energy flow. Forget
about the back ache..but I think…ever since the riding things started happening in my life….i always had
that issue of connection…that while riding…would I be able to connect to people?? As nachi said……. If
I m on my own….i can just…take lifts..bne more dependent on people…n that would open up my own
self for help…n open up to the whle world….but if I m on my own on bike…..it doesn’t help me much
to open up. I m very much self dependent on road…. I m stronger.. I m more self reliable.. I m more a
wanderor..and not a seeker…. N somehow the role of seeker has always attracted me…coz the surprises

that I have got at the end of all journeyers are beyond what words can express.. so this bike being
a “metal” thing always stayed on my mind.

Lets talk about bullets. Even before bullets..i have loved riding..from childhood. In school time chirag
n kamlesh n shamsher n whole gang used to come n we used to go out biking long distances. I was
what??? 15…16 years old at that time…..even later…with my darling active…I have been riding
long..longer distances… alibaugh..n in navi Mumbai..discovered so many spots…..palm beach road..nerul
lake..the abandonded fort….. the dried broken tree at the bank of pond..and many such places……..so
riding has been not new…. There were days in october where I took my active and travelled 150 kms
in wilderness of kutch..stayed around hajipeer for 10 days….listening to religious discourse in morning
and in afternoons……..loitered around the land…….off roading and everything..so this riding thing is not
really new……

Now with bullet…it all just gets highlighted. The spirit of riding. The spirit of being on road…of riding.
Someone asked me..why bullet. What makes it special……………….. well..i said…………………………u got to
ride it to feel it…………………..n may be I haven’t rode much bikes…but the feeling that bullet gave me..no
other bike ever gave me..its more about the spirit…that binds all together….

So first..i got to let the enegies flow…I lo ve the name urja……….n for that..i have to let this resistance of
riding as a concept pass by my mind……. Duniya ma evu ghanu badhu hoy chhe…je aapde modhe kadach
ninda karta hashu..pan andar thi aapde teni saraahna kariye chhiye..tene prem kariye chhiye….ane
kadach..like in my case of bikes as metals…n the question..the ambivalency to take it as a tool or
companion or not..is so open……..tht I like it and not.. I would be strong with it and not….. and this is
what makes it perfect to call it as love n hate relationship. Tej prem sacho chhe jyan thoduk dard pan
hoy ane gusso pan hoy…….faqt prem hoy…….ane jaray kai evil n ahoy…te to bahuj divine thai jay……bija
nu to khabar nahi..pan hu tyan nathi pahunchi ke faqt prem kari shaku…….. so I m realizing when m
feeling jealopus or irritated…………………………………………that its actually my love……………..and when I am
surrendering to love…………………………………trust me……………………nothing remains……………………….love
takes care of everything then. I just got to say…………………..alrightb uddy…………… here u are………….my
hands are up…………………………..take care of me n everything………….and this love…………this
god……………these angels……………….these Krishna………….this emotion ………………………….call it
whatever……this energy wil take care of u………………………..n its so overwhelming…..its just to be called
upon. Khali ek nani pokar……ane pratiskha……ane vishwaas…..

Ek prarthna karo…pachi pokar karo……ane aave teni pratiskha karo…………….haaa…potanu prurusharth
pan chalu rkho……this is what bapu said …..he mentions it many a times…….. its true….god helps
those who helps themselves…..6th standard ma vanchelu..pan ketlu sachu chhe. Elizabeth gilbert….the
aurhtoer of eat pray and love wrote in the book…

Once there was a man….who daily went to church n prayed in front of jesus……oh lord..please
help me..please let me win the ticket of lottery…….every day he would go n pray in front of
jesus………………….this went on n on…………n everyday his prayers became more intense and
desperate….till one day..jesus became alive and said… “ oh my child…please I pray…go n buy the ticket
first” this is what happens…we keep praying for things but we don’t do anything about it. Like….this
guy atleast should have bought the ticket……rest god was going to perform his work..but no…we want
miracles. Forget about others. Let me talk about my own self here. I want to travel the world. One wish.
Simple wish. I mean..i know how complicated it is. But lets just put it in one line. I want to travel.

So? Whats gona happen???is someone..like Thomas cook executive is going to come to me with
all the tickets..or some international pass n hand it over to me…that common twinke..here u
are………go n travel the world???? Is some bank going to come to me and say…here is all the
fund u need……go n travel n we would back u up……… no!! I got to do something about it. Yeah
to some level its possible. Like ma would say…go beta….go n travel…..n thts happening in small
packets…….. like friends would come up n we go n travel…n yes that’s happening too…so instead of
cribbing……….why not realize its happening in small packets…n for making it more scalable..i got to do
something……………………………ANYTHING!!

Like kaustubh gave my number for interviews…………….n again I blocked energies saying…. I have not
been riding bullet!! N he said……..yeahh but u have been riding….n travelling …so just take it up.. n the
interview happened. Many such calls came. Like I got hesistant when anu wanted to write bout karavaan
in magazine n wanted to use photos….what did I do……………I chickened out.why? coz I didn’t like the
idea that without travelling she is writing travelogue with my help…………………..BUT WHY NOT EMBRACE
THE OPPORTUNITY. Take it positively. I should have simply helped her out with details…n made sme
points that no one else could have given her. Caravans name would have been out on some travelogue
which gets published nationally along with my number. So basically……am calling for a prayer to god… I
want to travel..but not buying tickets. So whats to be done? Buy tickets…more tickets n thereby increase
my chances of winning the lottery.

So what does this buying the tickets mean??? That I work out on my body.. imagine…what do u expect.
With 85 kilos..n such sulking mood n attitude……who is going to come n talk to u??/ is someone
going to come n ask u to join in world tour. But instead……just how about this? That…………… I am
fit…… 60 kilos…good strong muscles and strength in totality. Calm … polite nature….resourceful i.e.
languages etc. if I start gaining on riding experience……learn bout its mechanics visiting garage daily…….
Understand deeply about cultures of the world….. start sharing my travel stories and photos with
all…..and enjoy the process………now this is what I call………………………..effective!! and If I become
effective……offcourse world will respond. The cosmos will respond coz…………………………… cosmos
would see me walking in some direction n it would start producing things n presenting it to me..through

situation …people…moments…..but right now..poor universe……..mara thi confuse thai gayu chhe…ke
chhokri ne karvu su chhe????? Hhahahhahaaaa

So girl…stop being so stoned…………………………and get onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn alright…………I
am happy right now………..n enjoying this thing called life………. Yup yup..still stagnant…gota walk the
talk. N it happens with small little things. Reminds me of falguni….she went to bhuj in the beginning of
the year..n bought datun. One small little thing…..but I felt so amazing…if we really want..we can do
it……….if we are not getting things that we want..its just because we are not wanting it. Its as simple
as that. If we really want something..we really would be putting our effort to make it true. Take any
success stories…….one thing is common…they really really really wanted it…….n take any story that
is close to success…they wold have put effort n al….but kyank kai kami rahi gayi hati..n that kami is
nothing but..lack of spirit somewhere……………..no issues……………..its ok. This is life. This is society..we
get entangled in things that we have to do playing our roles socially..as daughter or as wife or as son
etc etc…….but common……………….the process itself is so beautiful isn’t it?? N there is nothing like
a final destination………..how it can be? If one destination is reached…there is sure another journey
waiting for us…if world is seen…the moon is there..n if moon is reached..whole cosmos is there..n by
the time human kind reaches till the edge of universe…..i m sure…there would be some new species
instead of human beings that would have taken over the planet. So we are living in this ever edxpanding
universe…n this human form itself is so negligible that what to talk bout this small little babes twinkle.
Yes…..gotta spark for a while….n that’s about it…..give reason to my existence…play my role..n then
another role awaits…so lets make it grand..lets make everyone realize that its all beautiful………….lets
doooooooooooo ittttttttttttttttt

Benzene

new love
new life
call it a new me
the wonders are in my surroundings
n its form less
n its name less
as eternal as it can be.

Cheers to Syd.... Thanks for being here.....eternally.....

Last night the benzene happened again.

So the question arises.. whats this benzene?

Why is this girl so obsessed with benzene these days. And that too self admittance.

Well, the story goes like this. Back in childhood, after my 10^th board I was shifted to baroda. The completion of my board exams and completion of my brother’s graduation co-incided in the same year and both of us shifted to baroda and started living in a rented apartment. As he already had left the town for higher studies, he was aware about emotional change that happens and he kept remarking, we are here for growth – to learn things in life. Not for emotional drama. Yeah he said this, when my mum hugged me when I was seeing her off to home town- Adipur.

Later, it all became a test. The test of words, the concepts, the definition of scientific terms. Well to this, he might not even remember much but I do. Because I lived through those moments of pride..sometimes of pure embarrasement.

At times, we would have some serious discussions on life, world and the whole cosmos. We would start talking with facts and gradually move towards some unknown world wil our imaginations. His ideas were really fresh…they still are. I always look forward to listen to him or his opinion as he always has maintained his certainity to come up with something unpredictable. Yeah, being unpredictable he has become very predictable now. So one of such conversations, he mentioned bout the benzene. C6h6. I also had studied it in school . our chemistry teacher was the same person. Late mr. lele. The thing that I didn’t know about was how the formula was founded. The scientist had dreamt about a snake engulfing itself. And next day he founded the formula of benzene. Its really amazing to see how carbon atoms have shared their electrons to form this particular compound.

This information stayed with me ..somewhere in my memory got stored. Now one whole decade passed. From 2001 to 2011…and now 2012. last week, I had this feeling of being enveloped by something very divine, positive and strong. And I was not getting any words……let alone words not even expression to describe that special feeling…….and then the picture of snake came to my mind. Yes. It was perfect. And so I called it benzene effect.

Last night it happened again. On and on twice consecutively.

There is this presence around me. Please, its not some spirit, ghost or some angel. Yeah still I may call it as angelic presence as it has always made me feel good. But its not singular. Its plural. Its not having any form and now I have stopped waiting to get to see a form or get to identify one. Coz I have realized..its just everywhere..in everything….and this feeling can only be lived…..and hence I am not going to much emphasise on it. So.i had this feeling again …………….of love from within and from surrounding…..from my every pigment of body and from every single thing from outside world which came into my stimuli. And then I went online. I was little nervous..little anxious…..little uneasy – well, for no particular reason. This emptiness is reflected when we start echoing the world. This emptiness is not from within but something that we reflect upon. Our mind our vision becomes the canvas for the projection of such emptiness existing in the world. And then, the benzene happened again. I had uploaded my status message : living in fish bowl” without even knowing its syd’s birthday. Syd barret the person who is founding member of pink floyd. Who wrote sung and played guitar. The god. And listening to his music is so orgasmic for me. Yes the word was coined by my friend rachita from college time and I so much loved it. Nothing else could describe the feeling of joy when it comes to listening to floyd. So , I had uploaded this message as had read it in one of friend’ status. He is from nepal. His text read something like “ we are two lost souls…with our back to back….looking for each other..we are lost in the crowd” and that reminded me of these lines. I uploaded the status message “ we are two lost souls…living in a fish bowl…..wish you were here” and guess what? The benzene twinkled. Saying that its always here. How? Swaroop messaged “ happy birthday syd barret” I found out who syd is….trust me I had never known it. And then I got surprised…coz I had uploaded that message randomly….i went to devndra………….no..i sw it in feed that its his birthday n I went to hs wall n said….u share ur birthday with syd barret. The cycle was complete. It all happened consecutively. Well to some it may seem as series of co-incidenc. But for me the beauty is the cyclic order of incidents. Especially when I am thinking that I am missing that presence..and when I somehow……..suibtly give sign of being lonely or missing it…………it just comes and loves me…..and if they get to know that I am missing it and not admitting………..they would also communicate in various ways. Its not bout holding a person’s hand…not bout being kissed or being cared for….its not bout this physical form or body…its way too beyond. As I wrote in one of the poems….in childhood…..the world of ainswick is that…where imaginations cant reach………..far beyond the point……………………

Also while sleeping…………thought of dholavira….civilizations after civilizations have come and gone…………wiped off from the face of the world……..then what are we? What am i? nothing…just a passing moment…………and then…………while thinking this…………….

I saw aleph. The video by aleph. Another benzene effect. And in fact, the video was about that………..the whole video was just that what I felt in less than 5 minutes. It was on n on benzene effect and then I personified..well I tried to do it. Now I don’t know how many would be able to understand it..but eys….two cycles happened in a fast moment..came n gone..came n gone… n that spark……………..which changes from all emptiness into everything…………and that’s what it is. The choice. Its either nothing or everything………and that’s what I messaged to samar…

So yes……..my friends……………..my families…………………this is what benzene is…………………….am right now I m obsessed..or say I always was living it…just that I have known it now..n I m naming it now………but u knw what………names r not important…………..actions r important n opinions……………..least important….close to negligible. While going to bed I made aprayer…………to get inspired……..to get strength of earth. I just thought…..is it possible to b more accommodative….. to be more receptive……..n can I listen to people like a mother..without judging them…without even caring to guage what they are saying..can I take it all…n then the emotion of earth came into me……that when she can be so super accommodative……when she can accommodate me….then y cant I accommodate people……n then I prayed. I never do that…did it for first time..like a proper prayer…….which raised from my heart..from deep within………………….

That ………………..please let me be more accommodative………….let me take it all……………………..and let my heart be filled with love for all alike………………yeah its time for my prejudice to be wiped off…….the opinions…the arguments………..the debates don’t matter………………….and give me strength that I stand by this love……………..let love support me………….let love be in me………..let love flow through me. And today morning I repeat this exercise………….(mind is at play again) ( more than two selves)

Now once again let me wish you……………benzene……..syd………………………………………….one n all

Happy birthday.

Yes u are legend..n u live every moment. U die every moment. U r eternal. The one.

Amen.

In cocoon for sometime now

feel like going in the cocoon

where u cant reach me

i want u to crave for my love

n come out looking for me

want u to feel the quench

for me

my words

my silence both.

i want u to remember this time when i m dreaming this coccuun

n i want u to wish it away

but let me tell u

let me make u aware

cocoon is another world of its own

with another madness of its own

with another love affairs of its own

so whats next?

my relationship with darkness?

imagine ur silence makes me high

high with drama

high with expression

high with life

imagine your touch would do what wonders!

yet i dream of that cocoon of mine

and i m all set to live this darkness for sometime

too much of light it is

in your absence....too much of truth i have known!

now till your return..

let me tease u into my cobwebs

my spells

the ecstasy most intoxicatedly lethal....

ah its all momental now

u are going to miss me

u re going to crave for me

not now....

not till something is going to melt................

something going to churn inside ur heart....................

and question ur very existence!

u shall know

what i am talking about..

not now......

only when i would go into that cocoon....
and u would want it away

u would wish it away

but alas!!!!

only in memory!

Rendezvous with desire

My desire is sitting in front of me

Bare chest bare body

It tempts me all the time

I look at it with smile on my face right now

As just before a while my quench was satisfied

My desire is preachy

It loves me a lot and is detached

What do I want in life

What do I believe in? I ask myself,

And the music goes on-

Floyd plays this time.

Imagine, letting it go

Moving ahead

Letting myself go and see the new trends

What am I feeling now

Nothingness or happiness?

I am stoned without the dope

Ahh such a blank it is

The perfect void

Feeling less-

Its not being numb,

Its not being sad,

Its not being lost,

Its simply being.....

perhaps in truest sense.

And the Floyd shines on the diamond

And I see desire fighting the talk

It still sits with a body so tempting

And my inner evil sits quiet

As its satisfied and now I plan to cheat

To leave it while its sleeping

And slip quietly into oblivion

What do I believe in?

And I laugh

I laugh aloud without moving my lips

My eyes are closed and what I hear is…………….

Me…………………………………….

the unplanned trantition

Waiting for moments

Life was passing by

Thirsty was the time

And when they arrived

Need of novelty arised.

Quench of unseen, unfelt

Or may be the forced decision

To go on, walk ahead

The purpose got focused

Past Ego and anger nullified